These past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions because for the first time in a long time, I think I'm in a place of contentment. Before her, I guess I didn't know what it felt like to be "liked", but now I do.
No words can describe how I exactly feel, because nothing doesn't compare to the feeling of being wanted as much as you want someone.
The other night, our weekly "deep" convo's gave me some new insight. I opened up like I've never done before. Prior to that, I could barely even utter those "words" to my psychologist. But I said something. I WOULD NEVER.....But I felt safe. And I still feel safe now. Not safe from my feelings - no, because for all I know, two weeks later, we can both decide we don't want to "talk" anymore. What I feel safe from is being judged. I can only hope that it is now acknowledged where I'm coming from. I guess in a sense it defines me - what I stand for, why I do and say the things I do, etc.
I don't compare. I will NEVER compare. I know how it feels like to be "compared" ---- "You'll never be like her." "You're just as good, but not good enough." "You don't do this like she do." (Cliche I know, but you get the point *giggles*) ---- Yea. I've heard it all. And for that reason I won't - not to Amanda, Savannah or what happened that day. Its sickens me to think that anyone has the capacity to do so. And personally, I have far too much respect for myself and I care too much about her to do such a thing - consciously or unconsciously.
That night she told me about her past with her ex and how she's still in love with her. It helped me gain a new sense of respect, understanding and even honesty for her - I saw a side of her I've never seen before. I don't think I was ever able to read her prior to that night. Only because she's just so damn hot and cold *giggles*.But now, I can see this unexplainable "glow" - for lack of better words - because its just her. No bullshit. No smoke and mirrors. No false hope. Truth and honesty. She also told me that she's "selfless" enough to tell me how she was feeling and let me go, but she's "selfish" enough to want me to herself, hoping that no one else can or will have me as much as she does. It warmed my heart to hear that.
*Scoff* Is it fitting that I'm writing and listening to "Halo" at the same time?? *Smh* I'm not in LOVE. It's too early to "Name These Feelings" *game show voice*.....Its a "Day by Day" thing. One step at a time.
But my biggest fear??? Everything falling apart once again. I also fear that we're both going to be stuck in this "rut" consisting only of "talking" and seeing each other. I acknowledge the fact that there's too much shit we both need to internally work on before even considering a relationship - if we even get to that point.....
I hate it when I have so much to say, but I can never have enough words to express myself. UGH. Once again, my thoughts are just too loud for me and its annoying me.
I guess for now, only time will tell. Until I find more words, Au revior.
P.S. I'm smiling more than ever before :)