I'm writing this only because I'm guessing instead of talking to me, since you all don't want to, you all can read this instead.
"People wonder why I withdraw myself.
My friends think I'm pissed off and isolating from them when I'm not (I'm also unnappreciative).
My mom thinks I put my friends before my family.
My sister gets pissed off if I just turn around and pick up my phone while at dinner with her to text my friends.
At this point, I really do need to be alone. I can't please everyone - one thing that will be the death of me - but when I try my best to spread myself thin, I hear that I'm being unappreciative and moody and antisocial and bitter. Wasnt it just yesterday when I wrote the ONLY three people I feel close to right now and told them that they're greatly appreciated - but yet I'm unappreaciative and moody???? If that's not a slap in the face I don't know what is. If its because of the materialistic that I lack - not being able to buy everyone things to show how grateful I am - I'm sorry. Financially, I'm putting myself on a better track. If its because I don't spend anytime with you guys anymore because I'm spending time with my sis? I'm sorry too. From the bottom of my heart I am.
I've cried everyday sine January 5th of this year, but I still find the strength to smile everyday. I don't know how I do it.
My sister looked at me tonight and told me that she passes judgement on me and if I came to her and let her in about the things I'm going through - mind you that I'm being overly dramatic and I wear my heart on my sleeve too damn much - she'll tell me that I cause things on myself. NO. Stop. That's what I don't need you to tell me. And if youre gonna tell me, then at least be kind about it. Don't turn your nose up at me and tell me that I'm being sensitive, and my friends don't care about me, but yet you look at me and tell me that at the end of the day all you care about is yourself and mom and Kenneth when you know damn well I put you first in almost everything I do - including hanging out with my friends. So yea, I'm clearly a burden to her.
I can't talk to my mom that way I want to because once again, she'll pass judgement on me. Not to mention I feel like she'll blame my college friends for the person I AM. Ummm, HELLO??! I'm Kay. Always been - its only since I'm going to college and I've FOUND MY OWN VOICE that I get told that I'm letting that seperate my family from my friends. Maybe it really is, but I am trying to find that balance. There goes another person I CAN'T talk to.
My friends at college - maybe the best thing that's ever happened to me - even when they don't feel the same. Why? Because I CAN go to them without them passing judgement on me. AT this point that's what I need. But heaven forbid I withdraw myself and start to hang out with my sister more because she's complaining, my friends look at me and tell me that I'm unappreciative and moody. Its not that - I'm just going through somethings - I'm being pulled in all different directions and I don't know up from down. And I don't wanna be constant burden coming over and being frustrated, so I'm trying to stop. When I come over, I want to ask how everyone else's day was - and even if you don't want to tell me anything, I'll understand.
To my friends - I'm sorry that you all are so upset with me. I feel like I'm a burden. But more than ever, it hurt me when I was told I'm unappreciative - even after the poem I wrote for you all. Sure, I am moody I'll say that much, but I mean, isnt everyone at one point or another? I appreciate you all more than ever - even if you all don't feel the same - and when my family's not there, it's you all I run to. So to be told I'm unappreciative hurts. I want to do things with you all but sometimes I feel like I'm not wanted, so I try and stop. I'm not ungrateful either - I think I'm more grateful than anyone else is to have friends like you all. If coming to you guys because I'm upset with my sister me using you all, then I'll stop. If taking time for me and putting walls up - which I've been doing - me being ungrateful, then I will stop that too. My mom, dad and sister give me shit all the time about being too close to you all and being your friends and "letting you all in" - and even when they yell at me and break me down, I still defend you all, so for me to be told I'm ungreatful is kinda unfair. It also makes me sad as hell. Especially after I defend you all and especially after I make it known that I dont know where I'd be sometimes without you all. Even if now I may not be considered a good friend and won't even be, to call me ungrateful is saddening. I see my faults - I'm not punctual with ALOT of things, I whine ALOT, I dont see through on ALOT of things (like the Secret Santa) - but those are the things I'm working on. And honestly, sometimes I feel insecure like I'm not being the friend that I know I can be and more importantly, a friend that I know you all already have. I've struggled to keep you all as my friends throughout freshman yr right up until now. And I don't want it to change - but if you all want it to, that's fine.
I don't think I'm asking for much in saying that I just need time for myself, so I decline going out or smoking or drinking. If I am, then that'll change. But yet, a few weeks ago, I was told I people please too much.
The real reason why I'm withdrawing myself from everyone (high school friends, college friends, my sister) is because I don't want to be a burden and at this point I feel like I am being just that - a burden. I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO, thus I blog. And then I get told its my addiction by my counselor. Or I get told that the only people I'm talking to is my sis or adviser.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or feel like I'm a burden by always turning to them and venting about my issues or whatever, just a little understanding that I need me time is really all I'm asking for. This is the darkest I've seen and when I need my friends and family more than ever, no one is there - granted I do sometimes push people away, but that's once again because I feel like I'm a burden. Maybe I need to start asking all my friends what's going on with them - even if they don't want to open up or talk. At least then I hope they know that I'm here if they want to talk.
And so tomorrow and the following day and the following day when I wake up and put a smile on my face I'll remember this. And I'll just say that I'm still here if you all want to talk. And I hope that you all will be there too.