I've decided to start writing again because at least no one will be able to find this, not even the Love of My Life.
I made a mistake tonight - setting two posts about us to private and when she saw, she got upset. For what? I have no clue. All I know is that she really shouldnt be upset. I did it because I felt like it. Not really because my "ex" texted me and was asking me about it. Rather, I did it because I wanted to. I realized that not everything about our relatonship needs to be out there.
The ironic thing is, I want her to claim me. Tell the world I'm her's forever. But I want them to know nothing else. What was it that Carrie said? "Me & You. Just us two." Yep. That's it. Us two at least until I'm ready. At least until I want there to be more than one. But I can't help it, I want more! I need it. I crave it.
Besides that, I'm having doubts. Everything was going great but its like, once a month we're on bad terms. And I can't seem to see where it goes wrong and how to fix it. I feel like I'm always walking in a trap and then when I get caught, I'm caught. And there's no where to go.
Ten days after we became official we had our first argument - and I felt like my world was ending. It hurt me to my soul. I cried for days. I told her I quit - but only because she was making it seem like she wanted to quit too. And then she told me she loved me - after all that. I realized that if you love someone, you fight. And I told her I'd be fighting until she told me no. I did. I'm still fighting. And yea, maybe sometimes it may feel like I'm not, but that's only because at times I get weak, I break and those moments make me seem like I'm giving in. I'm not.
Everything was going good for a month and now, it feels like its happening again. The moment where we both want to give up but know that we can't. And maybe because giving up is too scary and we're afraid of never finding anyone again, so we fight. And fight some more. And because we promised we'd fight.
And every time I tell myself that I should give up, I realize that there's no one else on earth that makes me feel the way she does; and i'm petrified that if i do lose her, i'll be alone; but i also realize that i do not want to be alone at all.
"i'd rather live a life without love than live my life trying to love someone else the way i know i will always love her...."